“Just beyond / yourself. // It’s where / you need / to be. // Half a step / into / self-forgetting / and the rest / restored / by what / you’ll meet. // There is a road / always beckoning. // When you see / the two sides / of it / closing together / at that far horizon / and deep in / the foundations / of your own / heart / at exactly / the same / time, // that’s how / you know / it’s the way / you / have / to go. // That’s how / you know / it’s the road / you / have / to follow. // That’s / how you know. // It’s just beyond / yourself, / it’s / where you / need to be.”
—— David Whyte
I’m not at all sure where this is going.
I’m not at all worried about that.
All that matters is going with me.
All I have.
All I am.
Monday, September 17th 2018.
A morning that I will never be able to describe. To try and do so would cheapen the experience. The shock of it all, put me in a place that might have led to complete numbness. If not for the support of my loving partner, it certainly would have done. Instead, I muster an amount of emotional distance. The healthy kind.
After a good cry.
It’s just enough.
I walk along the beachfront, watching Japanese newlyweds getting their pictures taken.
So many of them.
Some look happy.
Lunch at “Down to Earth”. Try an get some work done on my book. Editing. It’s going well and I’m satisfied with my progress so far. After this morning, I’m aware of a motivation I’d not felt before. It seems silly for some reason.
But there’s no reason for this.
At work, the guys are a bit “punchy” with their banter. Something about a weekend football game has them all in a tizzy. I pretend to care just enough to let them see what that looks like. To give ungrudging attention, for connection’s sake alone.
It’s not easy today.
What would be easy today?
Loosing my shit and wrecking my life might be easy today.
Crawling into bed and not opening my door for the next few forevers, might be easy today.
Look at that.
Yea… that’s there.
I will own that.
But there’s something else in me too.
It’s not some cheesy affirmation.
It’s not some needy desperation.
It’s just me.
Looking just beyond myself.
Where I need to be.