1/25/18: Looking for Love: Muddy, Meandering Paths to Myself (Part three, Reality?)

Three days of gazing into each other’s eyes and making plans for the rest of that day, the rest of her visit, the rest our lives… 


But the truth hit us like the proverbial ton of bricks.

I was stunned. So was Marcy. From the moment we saw each other, it was obvious. We had both imagined such unreal visions of who we were meeting… imagined such elaborate fantasies as to how the meeting would happen, the painful truth brought our respective worlds crashing down before us in a nanosecond.

We were dumbfounded.

The moment I saw her… tired and baggy-eyed. Her wrinkled dress (drooping and disheveled from the long flight) draped uncomfortably (for us both) over her flabby body. I was so disappointed. And I saw her look at me with equal disappointment. No, not disappointment… disgust? I don’t know. I can’t picture it, even now. The shock was so intense. I had nothing to reference. No experience in my life had been so completely discombobulating. So far from…


Reality had been erased from the world before me and there was nothing to replace it. All thought, emotion and sensation… gone. In that moment even my old internal voice of Bruce the abuser (“stupid, fat pig”) was unable to resurface from where my fantasy had buried it. In that moment and for the next two days.

Two days.

For the next two days (we had originally planned for three) I was numb. My world was a blur and even recounting the story now is bringing up such conflicting feelings. I’m taking longer than I’d planned to finish so that now… reality is making it necessary for me to continue this tomorrow…

To be continued…



By |2018-02-03T20:20:05+00:00January 25th, 2018|Memoirs|Comments Off on 1/25/18: Looking for Love: Muddy, Meandering Paths to Myself (Part three, Reality?)