1/30/18: Looking for Love: Muddy, Meandering Paths to Myself (Part five, An Alternate Reality #3)

I’m going to begin my experience of meeting Jessica… by doing a little compare and contrast with meeting Marcy.

Perhaps this will help me get a handle on it.

Yea right…

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Self Image, Self Deception:

Yesterday I began this exercise comparing and contrasting the experience of my two first online love attempt stories (as an introduction to the second story) with at look at an inherently external element.

The photos.

Today I will begin to try and look at a comparison of internal elements.

I will try.

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With Marcy, I felt a similar experience as I have with most of my other failed foolish attempts to fulfill my need for love by finding it in another. From a woman. It just happened differently because it happened at a distance. Because of that distance, I was able to make up stories in my head about what was happening without any of the real feedback that would always mitigate the way things played out otherwise.

Because of the distance, Marcy never saw how much I would agonize about how to present myself. My attempts to shape her image of the me I needed her to see. I needed her to see the good man doing such good work.

And despite the truth of this. Despite the fact that I was/am a good man doing good work… the fact that I attached a desperate need for a woman to believe it. So she would love me. This desperation would always come out in up close and personal love connection attempts. I was unable to hide such things and thus would either scare the woman away very quickly or it would lead to far too much commitment in far too short a time. The latter of course were factors in my three failed marriages.

This was reality for me in 2005.

This was how I saw solution to my problem of finding love. My solution was to show a woman how good of a man I was, and the good work I was doing for others… and she would love me. Marcy was very much like many women I had attracted. She saw me. She saw how good I was, but as soon as she was close enough to REALLY see me, she also saw how much I needed to be loved. And how I wasn’t loving myself.

The women of my three failed marriages, were women who decided to try and be the one from whom I’d get that love. Women who (for reasons specific to what was going on inside of them) would try what was doomed to fail.

Marcy (and the other women I’d chased away much more quickly) was aware and wise enough to know what it meant as soon as she saw evidence of my desperation. And she would have none of it.

This was reality for me in 2005.

But meeting Jessica was different.

An alternate reality.

One that will have to be explained when this will again have to be…

To be continued…

 

By |2018-02-03T20:23:10+00:00January 30th, 2018|Memoirs|Comments Off on 1/30/18: Looking for Love: Muddy, Meandering Paths to Myself (Part five, An Alternate Reality #3)