I guess my good boy/good man behind the mask, could feel the toxic nature of this lifestyle.

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The fact that Allen even mentioned that he “never even thought about going for my knife” when fighting that wrestler dude, tells me he cared (at least a little) about how I might judge his behavior. He may even have seen my general observant silence (that I thought of as a mask) and my reluctance to participate in his or his gang’s craziness, as part of that judgement.

I have no idea and at the time, my automatic survival mode would have completely obscured any such thinking.

For whatever reason, Allen seemed to easily accept my refusal to go along with excursions to “go break some glass”. It was pure fun for him and his minions and an activity they relished and used to connect with each other. But there was no value in it for me. It’s easy to assume then, that Allen completely understood how I wouldn’t want to risk being arrested for something with no chance to make money. Besides, with no ID there was no doubt I’d be in deep shit if I were caught.

Fortunately he was also willing to let me off the hook when I made it clear that there was no way I was going to join in on something he said was a fairly safe way to generate some cash. Something he may have thought of doing because he knew I needed money. He just wanted to help his friend. It was however, something that my adult critic says, should have made me cut off all connection to Allen and his group.

Apparently, one way Allen and his senior lieutenants used to make money, was to go downtown to wait behind a few of the gay bars there and “roll some drunk f@&$… ” as they came out the back.

In other words, mugging people.

When he saw how quickly and vehemently I refused to even consider joining him in committing such a crime, Allen was a bit disappointed and confused. He was just trying to help, and “after all… they’re just f@&$ anyway. Nobody cares if we beat on them and take their money, even the cops.”

I didn’t try to explain and I can’t even think of how I felt, I just said nothing and left. Allen went ahead and I guess he did what he said he was going to do. Later (I didn’t see him for a few days) he seemed a bit less enthusiastic about the deed and privately explained to me that he no longer did this as much as he used to. After spending some time in juvenile prison and getting the job at Burger King, he didn’t need needed the money as badly, but now did it as much “for the fun of it” as for the cash.

My adult self would like to think that Allen sensed how I saw this kind of thing as highly immoral. That my refusal to participate may have got him thinking of things like right and wrong. The kinds of things I had deeply ingrained in me from having the good fortune to grow up as I did.

My adult self would also like to think that I didn’t cut off all connection with him because I sensed that I could make a difference in this young life. That I knew my influence may have even been able to turn him around and save someone the harm that would come to (who knows how many) innocent people Allen would inevitably hurt in the future.

But, as I’d said (and will keep saying I guess) I was on automatic. In survival mode. I have no memory of this kind of thinking. My adult self can only legitimately lay clim to knowing that I did indeed have access to a sense of morality. That that sense was deeply ingrained in me.

And that I was so very fortunate this was true.

My adult self can however, claim that there is evidence Allen was indeed influenced by me for the better. His boasting to me that he “never even thought about going for my knife” when fighting that wrestler dude, was only the beginning. It was only the first time Allen made it clear that he cared what I thought about the things he did.

The best example of this was a few weeks after I’d refused to participate in his plan to mug people coming out the back of the gay bars down town. It was clear that Allen was trying to make a deeper connection with me. To show me more of who he was. His response to my response to that… is my evidence.

My brief and only window into the origins of Allen’s toxic life style.

To be continued…