“Free will is the sensation of making the choice. Even though, behind the scenes, the laws of physics were pulling the strings.”
Physicist Brian Greene
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“How do you think it feels
When all you can say is: If only”
Artist Lou Reed
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This morning, I’m having the sensation of making the choice to speculate on what might have happened.
I’m not speculating on what different choices I might have made (or, had the sensation of making) No… what might have happened, given the choices I DID make that summer of 1980?
That summer I took my little jaunt down the wrong road.
That summer I chose to give my student loan money to a “Guy” who claimed to have ties to organized crime, involve my friend in committing a felony and drove a van entrusted to me by my employer, hundreds of miles (and across state lines) while under the influence (and in possession of large quantities) of a very illegal substance…
Yea, if only.
Yea, now I think I understand why my mother worries so much.
All it would have taken, would have been for Guy to choose to keep all the money and all the drugs. Or for the goons in Iowa City to choose to have a little fun with us. Or for Guy’s girlfriend to choose to call the cops. Or for one of the bikers my friend was selling to, to look for his stash.
Yea, if only.
Well, so here I am now. Alive and well and happy. Happy to be able to tell these stories. Rather than ones about being thrown in prison, almost killed, robbed and/or accused of robbing and/or causing the death and/or incarceration of others.
My little jaunt down the wrong road ended right because I looked at my Dad that morning after, and felt something. That although I was not aware enough to know it then, I had what it took to keep from being defined by the wrong roads I’d encountered, and would again in the future.
And that, my friends…
Feels pretty good.
