“It’s partly because we are neuro-biologically hardwired for belonging and connection. We’re hardwired to want it, and need it so much, that the first thing we do is sacrifice ourselves and who we are to achieve it.”

—— Brené Brown

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I’m having breakfast with my housemates. Conversations ebb and flow… occasionally joyous, occasionally uncomfortable, occasionally mundane. Now and again, someone makes a gesture of generosity. Now and again a poke of fun. This is a group of people living together. In all our messy beauty. I look on, participate and…

I see myself looking on and participating.

Someone says something I disagree with and I say nothing. Instead I continue looking on and participating and I continue to see myself looking on and participating. At some point I mention how wonderful it is to have this connection with these people. I try and express how important it is to me. One of my housemates looks at me and smiles in agreement.

I never mention the disagreement. During my morning meditation the next day, I revisit that moment. “Was it inauthentic of me to say nothing?” “Did I just sacrifice a piece of my true self for connection?” I consider the interview with Brené Brown that inspired these posts. I find myself once again confronting paradox and awareness. “Or… was this occasion one where connection is the more authentic choice?” “Did this choice instead, allow connection by properly stuffing my momentarily bloated ego?” I decide to let it all go. To allow the tension of the thing, whatever it is, to simply… be.

It’s still there… that tension. And I’m cool with that.

——

In the break room at work, me and the other guys on the night shift are talking about this and that. One of the guys is recently back from a trip to Vegas and soon mentions a very nice time he had with a prostitute. All the other guys respond with approval and familiarity. I say nothing and do my best to not show my lack of experience (or desire) with such things.

Later in the week at the same table with the same guys, one of them says something I find absurd and I quickly say so. I say so in no uncertain terms and another guy joins in. Only this guy makes his response in a mocking tone. The man says something back to that guy but I don’t hear what, and then is completely silent. He is visibly angry. I quickly apologize and say I didn’t mean it that way but the man refuses to look at me and leaves the room.

After a few moments, the angry man returns to the break room, sits at a different table and greets other coworkers. The guy who mocked the man grumbles about what was said back to him. He talks of how such things lead to violence. I look at him and he tells me the man threatened him. He said that what I said had such an affect because of the way the other men look to me. “Because… you’re higher than us.” The guy says. “You went to college so what you say counts more.”

I’m not about to let it go at that. I go to the man who was angry and confront him with compassion and concern for our connection as friends. I tell him that I was out of line and that it would never happen again. The man accepts my apology and we go out to start our shift. On our way to our vehicles, I approach the other guy and ask if he has reconciled with the man as well. He says he has and assures me all is back to normal.

It still is… normal at work with those guys.

——

I am still working out how to most effectively bring a position of “yes… and” rather than “either/or” to the tables at which I sit. To be continuously looking for ways to connect while still being vulnerable and willing to stand alone.

I’m still working on that. Not always with the best results but…

I’m cool with that too.