“Civility is claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs, and beliefs, without degrading someone else’s in the process.”
—– Tomas Spath and Cassandra Dahnke, Founders, Institute for Civility in Government
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It’s a normal weekday on the job and I’m waiting to pick up one of my regular passengers. There are no others on board and my manifest shows that I will be taking David straight home. He rides the Handi-Van home from work every weekday at this time. David gets on without much more than a hello and takes his seat while I let him know (as is my practice) what to expect on the ride.
As it has been since I started picking him up a few months ago, David hardly acknowledges me or what I am saying and proceeds to give me the two dollars fare and sits down. He buckles his seatbelt and puts in the earbuds from his mobile phone. That’s usually all there is to it with David. Whether I take him straight home or pick up other passengers on the way, he never talks to anyone.
Until today.
I’ve driven for only a few minutes in the direction of David’s home when I hear him speak. Like we were having a conversation. I don’t recognize it as such right away however, since I’d never heard him say more than two words before. It’s especially odd to me also because David apparently doesn’t seem to think it unusual for him to be speaking to me this way either. It’s as if he is talking to someone he’s been chatting freely with on a regular basis all this time. Even like we were simply picking up a conversation we were having just the other day and he was getting us back on track again.
“So what do you think now Brian, of every thing that’s been going on?”
“I’m sorry?”
David doesn’t skip a beat. “Well, you seem like an intelligent guy, like you know a lot and are informed about the world… what do you think of the president and all that’s been going on recently?”
I’ve been driving Handi-Van for well over ten years now and so I’m far from unprepared for this line of conversation with a passenger. I’m not about to get into a debate while on the job but I’m also committed to connecting with the people I serve in order to do it as well as I can, so I don’t dissuade challenging topics either. With my answer, I let David know this too and I think he appreciates that.
“Ok” he says “so I’m going to tell you what I think and you’re probably going to think I’m crazy but please hear me out before you make any judgements.” I try and tell him not to worry about that but he cuts me off and says “Trust me, when you hear what I’m going to say, I guarantee you’re going to have all kinds of assumptions about it so you can say that all you want to. I’m just asking you to listen.”
“I’m listening… ”
And…
He’s right. I think it’s crazy. Nuts! Completely off his rocker. From what he tells me, I can’t help but think he’s either lying or the kind of crazy I’m not sure how to respond to… and I say so.
“You’re just buying into all the lies about it.” David says with complete confidence. “I used to think so too, but then I did the research and… ”
And as David goes on to explain his perspective, I can feel the distance between us widen so very quickly, so very clearly. That brief moment of connection formed by his opening offering of conversation suddenly breaks off completely and I can see that I’m going to have to make a real effort to bring us together again. To find even the smallest amount of common ground.
It turns out to be much easier than I’d expected. I pause and take a breath before speaking.
“David, I’m sure if we had more time and in a different setting, we could have a long and interesting conversation about this, but we don’t. And since I don’t like to start things I can’t finish, I’ll only say this now about what you just said. When I’m talking with someone who has a very different point of view than myself, I do my best to not pretend to know what’s going on in their mind. Why it is they might be saying what they are saying… especially if what the are saying triggers an emotional reaction in me.”
David remains silent and I continue.
“I can tell that we see things very differently on this topic, but I’m sure there are areas somewhere… in which we can agree. I’d rather put my energy in those things than to go back and forth on who may be right and who may be wrong on this topic.”
David is silent a moment more before speaking again. This time in a surprisingly nonchalant tone… “Well, that’s obvious for anyone interested in a civil discussion.”
I say nothing, hoping to anchor the truth of those two statements before the inevitable and necessary change of subject needed for us to continue at all. But David goes there so quickly, I’m not sure it got through him as deeply as I was hoping it would.
“So tell me Brian, I heard you say that you blow glass… I don’t know anything about glass blowing. Tell me about it.”
Still… I’m glad for the opportunity to reconnect, and on a topic I really love to talk about. The rest of the ride, David and I enjoy a nice conversation about glass blowing. David’s questions are intelligent and insightful. He’s obviously a good listener and thoughtful person. As I drop him off at his address, we shake hands and I go on my way.
Inhale, two, three, four, five, six…
Exhale, two, three, four, five, six…
Inhale, two, three, four, five, six…
Exhale, two, three, four, five, six…
What a blessed life I live.
